alexnotreal

I just received a call from my ex-best friend.
When I saw his name on my screen I jumped out with excitement, I answered the phone and we immediately starting bantering back and fourth like we usually did. And for a moment I start to believe that we could go back to the way it was before and we could have fun. We could just sit and chat about life all night and laugh until our stomachs hurt, buy snacks and go for long walks around the neighborhood, binge watch out favorite show on a laptop or play the sims until we fell asleep. But then he brings up drugs and I remember, he is not here anymore. The boy I used to do all those things with is gone. I kept waiting for him to come back, I still do. Maybe that's why I keep picking up the phone, just in case he has come back. He doesn't ask about me or how I've been, he just asks me if I want to do drugs and that he has a lot to talk about. When I tell him I'm not so sure his voice loses it's friendly warmth and becomes cold and cutting and his tone became spiteful and demanding. It's not him anymore, I reminded myself. It had been around 3 months since we last spoke, admittedly it was me who cut contact first, he makes sure to mention that on the call, but in reality it was him who left first. At first it was only weed to calm his nerves and help him get off the pills and that was mostly fine for a while but then he started with the drinking and with the coke and he become violent and bigger and I became smaller and more insecure. But he was my best friend and I loved him and I knew he loved me too. It's not his fault I remind myself, life hasn't been to kind to him. He's just gotten lost. I've been trying to save him for years. Everyone kept counting for me to do so as well "you won't let him end up like his brother right?" "you will be a good influence on him" but they didn't see somewhere in that trajectory I had lost myself too. It has taken me months to get back to where I was. I wish with all my heart he could do it too. But at some point I had become his punching bag and he was not willing to spend time with me anymore if there was no drugs or alcohol involved and he became angry and we argued every time we saw each other and we both made ugly comments about each other. To be honest, I had been at fault as well, I had become tired of dragging a corpse and I began to resent him and he began to resent me back. I try to hold my self together speaking to him as he attacks me with his words and my hands begin to shake again and I feel that familiar knot in my stomach begin to grow and for I second I almost cave in but then I remind myself, he's too far gone. There is not much you can do for him. But maybe you can still save yourself. Still, after carefully talk him down not to damage out hung up the call I was left shaking and wanting to throw up so maybe when he calls again, don't pick up the call.